[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?