If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science