we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.