Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
fired
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*bites zombie*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.