I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.