[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.