I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha