mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.