Skills
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
😂😂
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Always a housemaid, never a house.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.