I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Worlds greatest photobomb
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️