Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”