Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I am laughing way too hard at this.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.