I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.