I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You Might Also Like
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”