Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The news in a nutshell.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*