approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?