Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Seems kinda suspicious
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.