Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”