If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
You Might Also Like
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”