I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A drum solo but on your face.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”