I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Steam Forums
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first