French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate