WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Best table by far
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.