Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.