The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Good morning y’all ☀️
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules