My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
bugs when you lift up a rock
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
what does he know…
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.