Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”