luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first