Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
fourth time’s the charm
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.