[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.