In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason