It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶