Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Fries, not lies.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.