I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok