twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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ok this is my dumbest yet
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?