Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.