Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.