Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.