I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.