“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No