Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”