Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
who wore it better?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.