There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”