deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.