Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.