Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot