My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me trying to walk in a dream
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Close call…
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.