I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*