If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses