Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*skinny dips into black hole
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”